Trails

I want to drag it all over me,

Tracing a roadmap to liberation

Through the land

Of pale skinned question marks.

I want to pave

Painfully bumpy crimson roads

That in time will leave

Trails on paler land.

I will go on and on

Until the trails I leave behind

Define this land,

Until these trails

Are the only stories told,

Until I dig deep enough

To fall into an abyss

For all eternity.

Words And You [Day 30]

When you meet the shoreline,

Swirl in the breeze

And never for a moment

Look to the the horizon,

At the sailing ship rocking

With the waves that’ll soon

Melt away at your feet.

You are stronger than the word

And the ocean is yours to conquer.

These waves, tides and storms

Never will, never can

Sweep you off of your feet.

You are deeper than this blue

Or the blue you stargaze at.

 

Photographs and words

Decorate your glimmering solitude.

Your lens play with shadows

Capturing memories

And all that none can see.

And when the waves roar within you

Sit by this very bay,

Think not of Useless Bay,

Think of darker darks

And brighter brights,

Flip through this gigantic album of yours

And know that on every pixel

Of every photograph,

You have made art,

Scrawling onto it words

That pour out of you,

Words that are your home.

 

With you I’ve learnt

To carve words into statues

And not mere clay figurines.

Staring at my reflection today

All I see is layers and layers of words

Draping me where fabric painfully

Chafed flesh over wounds

From words woven

On the tip of some tongues.

Words are an irony

In every sense.

Love, as I’ve read, gets us to lean on it

Leaving us fallen, standing often.

Words are love to me,

You have taught me how to

And I will wait to write it an ode.

I Am Not To Be [Day 29]

Let me light a fire

One last time

Hoping this one

Burns bright and fierce.

I have excavated

The now cement grey

Cardboard box from

Underneath my desk,

Stowed away a while ago,

Hoping a day will come

When all of these words

Will not seem to be lies

Piled over layers of treachery

And maybe there will be a day

When you will come back to me

But then I will not be.

Let these pages,

Plucked feathers

Wither away

Into this raging sun

And when grey ash

And a smoky room

Is all that remains,

Do not wake me,

Pleading me to trace

The periphery of yet another

Wasteful day.

Let me sleep

Into eternal oblivion.

Let me be

For I am not to be.

I am not to be.

 

 

Promises [Day 28]

I have been warned

Never to break promises

And I promise you I never have.

The day I learnt to catch sunlight,

I tucked into my pockets

For you to be draped in it

When you were cold

For I’d promised I would.

The secrets you’d let out to me

Still remain tucked within

My treasure chest even though

My secrets grow bigger and bigger

And harder and harder to hidden

In the undulations of my spine

But I promise your secrets

Will forever remain so.

 

I have been warned

Never to break promises

And I promise I never have

Broken one made to you

But yesterday I broke one made to myself.

Dissapointment hurts and perhaps

This is what it smells like –

Of rusted metal and blood

Melting into one another.

I’d promised myself

I’d never let that sliver of silver

Brush past my skin ever again.

Believe me,

I tried.

I dug crescent moons

Onto the leather back of my chair,

Deeper and faster

But the reeking sadness

Just didn’t fade

And I broke a promise

For the first time yesterday,

A promise made to myself.

I broke a promise.

 

Unanswered [Day 27]

I’ve been trying to piece

It all together.

Once again.

The places I’ve left

Fragments of myself in

Skip my feeble memory

And so do their coordinates.

I never thought I’d survive

To witness a day when

I’d need to trust, hope and love.

I’ve been on a manhunt for courage

To break all of these walls

But I lose it little by little

Over and over again.

Will this tussle ever end?

Evenings [Day 26]

And there are evenings like these

When a bed is all I want.

A bed to lay on,

A pillow tucked under my head,

A warm blanket to keep me cosy

And help me forget of hugs long lost,

Mellow music to intertwine

With the warm light

Of the flickering fairylights

Above me and over

My precious words

Preserved in books

Of every size and hue.

All I want to do is lay there

For as long as I can,

Till all is peaceful

With a silence that does not echo chaos.

These are the evenings I long for.

Unexist [Day 25]

A fire rages in the pits

Of my mouth.

Its searing heat

Seeping into the hollow

Bones of my cheeks.

My life slips from in between

My fingers physically

Suturing my lips.

Those words singe my lips,

I know they need to be heard

But maybe not today.

Maybe tomorrow.

But I have pushed away

Every today to tomorrow

For evermore

And these words

Are embers searing

My lips bloody red –

                                      I’m strong.

I’ll hold on for a little longer

Till the time is right fo-

         Too hot-

                         Can I unhear those words?

                             Can I unspeak the lies?

                                  Can I unexist?

 

 

Long Gone [Day 24]

As we part today

Let me tuck

Into your journal

This petalled beauty

That shall rest upon

A blank page,

Drying up

To leave its imprint

And finally when your

Eyes do fall upon this,

Long after these walls

No longer bear my fingerstains,

Let it be a graceful measure

Of the long while I’ve been away.

Finding Homes [Day 23]

In the end we’re all

Scared to be lonely

And we tread along

Believing what we’ve been told –

People for homes, always”.

But some, just some

Look for broken, unfurnished homes

With peeling walls

For them to paint,

Frame words and memories

To be hung on those very walls.

Wishing nothing but for a solitary

Hearth, burning and lit.

They scream into their

Disbelieving ears and selves –

Home is what I’ve found”.

But home they never find.

Their hearts are too big

To be bound by walls.

They give more love

Than they can afford

And soon they find themselves

Retracing their path of entry,

Straight out to world.

Roofless.

Homeless.

Loveless.

But soon enough

They know

That they are home.

The razor cuts on their arms

Are the peeling walls of their homes

They ought to paint for themselves,

Framing words memories

Beheld by none but them.

 

In the end we’re all

Scared to be lonely

And we tread along

Believing what we’ve been told –

People for homes, always”.

But sometimes, we’ve got to be our own homes.

Sometimes, home lies within us.

Coming Ashore [Day 22]

I have never known

How to love myself

And I’ve never wished

To love myself

Through witty captions

For pictures of myself

But I will learn

To swap hate for love.

 

Some day I’ll stand on the shore

And let brilliant blue waves

Rush back and forth over my feet.

I will clasp seashells in my palms,

Cup my ear to hear the waters roar,

Walk over the soft sand

Accepting the impermanency

Of the trails we leave behind.

I will stare at the horizon,

Watch the waves rise and fall

Rocking boats and swallowing surfers

And yet not think of the treasures

And ruins rotting on the seabed.

I will not step back and flee.

 

Some day I’ll sail up and up away

In a balloon, my heart

Splattered vibrant.

I will look down upon

All that I leave behind

Fearless,

Never once thinking

Of all those times

I have crashed on the concrete,

Fallen with a pop, plonk and a smack.

I will not fall yet again.